The Crazy Life Of Nothingness

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My blink 182 experience.
		09:17pm 06/10/2009
	Ever since I was a 14 year old girl freshman year of high school I have been in love with the band blink 182. My best friend Jessica and I always said we would go to a show, back then we never went, they were always too far away or we were too young to go that far. Then when we were of age, the unthinkable happened, the "indefinite hiatus". Needless to say we were crushed, this was something we had to do! It just did not seem like it would ever happen. Then a blessing in disguise, the plane crash. Then the announcement. The reunion. Everyone age 14-34 who was is or is going to be a fan let out at least a little smile. With tour dates posted and tickets on sale, Jessica and I celebrated with food and drinks. August 18, 2009. Easily one of the best nights of my life, nearly 2 months later I still can't believe it happened. Even though I had to stand through 3 band I could care less for, it was well worth it. Chester French opened, and all I can say about that was, it was like watching a cross between Beck and Carrot Top. I spent most of the time making fun of him and/or them. Panic At The Disco followed. I am not a fan of them, so once again I spent the hour staring at my shoes and making fun of the lead singer. Fall Out Boy followed with an hour set, I am not a fan of the FOB , but they did bring a little more energy than the previous acts. It was a so-so act would have been a little better with out the screaming 15 year old girls in skinny jeans jumping in a circle beside us. The wait. The unbearable wait between bands. Spending the 45 minutes trying to get as close to the stage as we possibly could. Then a cue, the song about everybody having fun tonight plays overhead. It's go time. Curtain up.....Dumpweed plays, crowd goes wild, and I am about 30 feet way from my teenage crushes. A very surreal experience for the both of us. Both of us were extremely happy that Tom is singing like he used to, that Mark hasn't changed one bit and that Travis is just as amazing as everyone says he keeps getting. After about a 19 song set, the highlight of the show, Travis's flying drum solo that leaves many in the crowd wondering "Did I really just see that happen?" Followed by an energetic encore complete with confetti. Easily one of the best nights of my life, and yes I did get a t-shirt, and some confetti. The best reunion tour of the history of reunion tours.
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Music...Updated
		03:35pm 23/01/2009
	AbsentStar Adema AFI The Afters Allen Jackson Alien Ant Farm The All-American Rejects American Hi-Fi Angels And Airwaves Another Animal Ashes Divide The Ataris Audioslave Agustana Barenaked Ladies Beastie Boys The Beatles Ben Folds Five Better Than Ezra Big & Rich Black Stone Cherry Blackhawk Blink-182 Bloodhound Gang Blue October Bon Jovi Bowling For Soup Boxcar Racer Boys Like Girls Brad Paisley Breaking Benjamin Breaking Point Brooks And Dunn Buckcherry Bush Cake The Calling Chevelle Clay Walker Cold Coldplay Collective Soul Counting Crows Course Of Nature Creed The Cranberries Crossfade The Cure Dashboard Confessional Daughtry Dave Matthews Band David Grey Days Of The New Default Dixie Chicks Dropping Daylight Earshot Edwin McCain Escape The Fate Evan & Jaron Evanescense Evans Blue Eve 6 Everclear Fall Out Boy Familiar 48 Fastball Filter Finger Eleven Flyleaf Foo Fighters Franz Ferdidnand The Frey Fuel Garbage Garth Brooks Gin Blossoms Godsmack Goo Goo Dolls Good Charlotte Green Day Hawthorne Heights Hinder Hoobastank Hootie And The Blowfish Howie Day I-94 Incubus Jack Johnson Jason Mraz Jet Jewel Jimmy Eat World John Michael Montgomery Keane Keith Urban Kelly Clarkson Kenny Chesney Kid Rock The Killers Lenny Kravitz Lifehouse Linkin Park Lit Live Mad At Gravity Mae Maroon 5 Martina McBride Matchbook Romance Matchbox Twenty Metallica Michelle Branch Montgomery Gentry Motion City Soundtrack Muse My Chemical Romance New Found Glory New Radicals Nickelback Nine Inch Nails Nirvana O.A.R. The Offspring OK GO Oleander One Republic Our Lady Peace Outspoken Papa Roach Pearl Jam Plain White T's +44 P.O.D. The Prom Kings Puddle Of Mudd R.E.M. Radiohead Rains Rascal Flatts Reba McIntire Red Red Hot Chili Peppers The Red Jumpsuit Apperatus Rehab Relient K Rise Against Rob Thomas Rob Zombie Robbie Williams Roxette Royal Bliss Saliva Sarah McLaughlin Savage Garden Saving Able Secondhand Serenade Seether Selena Semisonic Shania Twain Sherwood Sheryl Crowe Shinedown Silverchair Simple Plan Sinch Skillet Smashmouth Smashing Pumpkins Smile Empty Soul Snow Patrol Soasin Socialburn Spin Doctors SR-71 Staind The Starting Line State Of Shock Stone Sour Stone Temple Pilots Story Of The Year Stroke 9 Sublime Sugar Ray Sum 41 Switchfoot Taking Back Sunday Tantric Taproot Theory Of A Dead Man Third Eye Blind Three Days Grace Tim McGraw Toad The Wet Sprocket Toby Keith Tom Petty Tomorrow And Every Day After Tonic Trace Adkins Tracy Byrd Train Trapt Travis Tritt Uncle Kracker Unwritten Law The Used The Vanished Vertical Horizon The Verve Pipe The Wallflowers Weezer Yellowcard 10 Years 12 Stones 3 Doors Down 30 Seconds To Mars 311 3CE 40 Below Summer
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Music
		08:47pm 16/11/2008
	AbsentStar. Adema. AFI. The Afters. The All American Rejects. Alan Jackson. American Hi-Fi. Angels and Airwaves. Another Animal. Ashes Divide. The Ataris. Atreyu. Audioslave. Barenaked Ladies. Beastie Boys The Beatles Ben Folds Five Better Than Ezra Big&Rich Blackhawk Black Stone Cherry Blink 182 Bloodhound Gang Blue October Blyss Bon Jovi Bowling For Soup Box Car Racer Boys Like Girls Brad Paisley Breaking Benjamin Brooks And Dunn Buckcherry Bush Cake The Calling Chevelle Clay Walker Cold Coldplay Collective Soul Counting Crows Course Of Nature The Cranberries Crossfade The Cure Dashboard Confessional Daughtry Dave Mathews Band Default Dishwalla Evanescence Evans Blue Eve 6 Everclear Fall Out Boy Familar 48 Fastball Filter Finger Eleven Foo Fighters The Fray Fuel Garth Brooks Gin Blossoms The Goo Goo Dolls Good Charlotte Green Day Hinder Hoobastank Hootie And The Blowfish Incubus Jack Johnson Jimmy Eat World John Michael Montgomery Keith Urban Kenny Chesney Kid Rock The Killers Lifehouse Linkin Park Lit Live Lonestar Mae Maroon 5 Matchbox Twenty Metallica Michelle Branch Motion City Soundtrack My Chemical Romance New Found Glory New Racicals Nickelback Nine Inch Nails Nirvana The Offspring OK Go One Republic Our Lady Peace Papa Roach Pearl Jam Plain White T's Plus 44 POD The Prom Kings Puddle Of Mudd REM Radiohead Rains Rascal Flatts Red Red Jumpsuit Apperatus Red Hot Chili Peppers Rehab Relient K Rise Against Royal Bliss Roxette Saliva Sarah McLaughlin Savage Garden Saving Able Secondhand Serenade Seether Semisonic Shania Twain Sherwood Sheryl Crowe Shinedown Silverchair Simple Plan Sinch Smile Empty Soul Snow Patrol Spin Doctors SR-71 Staind State Of Shock Stone Temple Pilots Stone Sour Story Of The Year Stroke 9 Sugar Ray Sum 41 Switchfoot Taking Back Sunday Tantric Theory Of A Dead Man Third Eye Blind Three Days Grace Tim McGraw Toad The Wet Sprocket Toby Keith Tom Petty Tomorrow And Everyday After Trace Adkins Tracy Byrd Trian Trapt Unwritten Law The Used Vertical Horizon The Wallflowers Weezer Yellowcard 12 Stones 3 Doors Down 30 Seconds To Mars 311 3CE
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Somethings you can't escape.
		11:59pm 08/11/2008
	I was a lost child, always about 3 years behind everyone else socially. For some reason, from a young age, I knew this but couldn't do much about it given the situation. In adulthood, as early as it may be, I still feel this way. I have graduated highschool, tried the college thing, although I still don't know what I want to do with my life, and have a job. I have bought my first car on my own, I'm engaged, live with the guy I am going to marry. I have many frieinds, and have discovered what it takes to keep a friendship going even though there is distance. Bits and pieces of my past still haunt me every single day. Things I saw, things I wish never happened, and things that shaped me into the person I am today. I haven't talked to anyone about a lot of these things, some of them are just too painfull to talk to even my closest friends about. Some of it comes out every now and then, but no one knows the big picture. I've seen what alcohol does to a person, still I go out and drink. I've seen the effects of depression on a family, and what it does to each person, and now anxiety haunts me every day.. I've seen voilence and isolation and feel like I should hide in dark rooms when things go wrong. I've been called fat at 115 pounds, and now being 125 can not seem to be happy with a body everyone calls small. I'm messed up and I know it. That's the hardest thing to admit to myself. What is worse is, I know how to fix it, but am too afraid to just jump. The first 10 years. Age 2 years and 6 months. Your baby brother, Dyson, is born. This is all you know. That changes everything. You are the big girl now, a role you have to live the rest of your life. You also expierinece your earliest memory, looking across the yard and your aunt Blanche and uncle Wayne's trialor house and waving at your aunt. Then they moved away. Age 5. Kindergarten. You are a mere 40 pounds soaking wet. Your mom is scared you are going to blow away in the wind when you walk up the end of the drive to wait for the bus. You have your first crush, a blonde boy who you sit near during show and tell. His name is Daniel, not Dan or Danny, but just Daniel. You tell your parents about him, and they just laugh. You start a bad habit in your life this year, wanting to be friends with everyone, but not making one close friend for a long time. Something about the year shapes you, but it's not always for the best. There's always a downside when no one hates you. You come from a poor family right now, so you never have anything special to bring to show-and-tell, so you make up games and poems. Your teacher sends you home with a letter telling your parents how imaginative you are, but then never show it to you, you discover it on your own many years later while snooping in your mom and dads room. This is one of the things you wish they were proud of you for. Your only talent they seem to be proud of is your ablility to say the alphabet backwards before you turned 6 years old. Age 6. The end of kindergarten has come, and you have finally made a close friend, but as soon as you enter first grade you realize that it's not possible because you have been split up into different classes.. Your friend Brenda is now friends with a girl named Jessica, one girl you couldn't stand when you were in kindergarten with her. That's one of the first moments you realize life isn't always fair. This year you find out what your downfall will be when it comes to academics. Math and spelling. The first more than the latter. This is they year you also notice age is a barrier that is very very hard to cross when you are young, because a neighbor friend, Kellie, doesn't talk to you anymore because you are two years younger than her. Friendships seem impossible now. You are afraid that if you make another friend, someone will take them away, like what happened with Brenda. No close friends except Shana this year. You two become friends because no one else is friends with you. This year leaves no emotional scars except for the day you realize that 6th graders are the meanest people on the playground, even though they are suppose to stay on their half, and older girls are always baracudas, waiting for the one day you slip up by leaving a square of toilet paper stuck to your jeans. This is also the year your baby cousin, Hallie, is born. RIght now she is a baby, someone you think you could never get close to because you know how age can come between people, and lets be real, she is a whold six and a half years younger than you. Then again, you could be wrong. You have a bad habit of singing along to every country song you hear. You don't even know why you like this kind of music, maybe because it's what your parents are listening to, but you are too young to rebel anyways. The early 90's isn't a concept you will grasp until you are too old to have noticed that it passed you by. Age 7. End of first grade gives way to summer, summer gives way to the begining of second grade. You are in a different school but with most of the same classmates. Small town school consolidation. Your class is made up of first and second graders. You don't mind the younger people in the room, in fact they become your friends more than some of the people you have been going to school with for the past 2 or 3 years. Your parents try putting your brother in school a year early, but that fails on the first day. This is the first time you notice his weakness as he grows from a toddler to a kid. This is the first year you understand why the migrant kids are only in class 3 months out of the year. You make friends with one named Petra. You envy her long black hair that's always done in a long braided pony tail. She just maybe your best friend that year, even if she is only there for a few months. You also make friends with a girl named Tasha. She is probably your closest friend that year. You also hang out with two girls in the grade below you, Kari and Joanna. You make your first "enemy", a girl named Bethany. She took your role in the class play as a worm, so then you had to narrrate the the entire play from the sidelines. Your parents don't attend this play, and for the first time you notice their absense. This year you also started to make friends with boys, becoming more of a tomboy every day. Somedays you would rather play with Tim and Greg than Kari and Joanna because they wouldn't fight over stupid things. Even then, as that age, you realized boys and girls could have plutonic relationships, but you also knew what romantic relationships were, and you didn't want that with them. You know too much from watching soap operas on summer vacation with your mom. Age 8. Third grade. This year you are with the same group of kids as last year, meaning it's a sencond/third grade glass. You are seated across from Adam, the kid who stutters and has bad hair. For once you keep the same friends from one year to the next. This may just be the calmest year of your life. You have a severe hatred for math, especially story promlems, which you would rather skip all togather than try to sit down and work out, which will lead to you first unsatisfactory mark on your report card. Homework is a shock to you, although you have been expecting it since first grade. Then just as things seem to be falling into place, you experince a common occurance in small town Minnesota/North Dakota. The school clousure. You learn you will have to start school in Minto. You are scared because just last year you heard of a tornado that came close to that town. Age 9. Age 10. Age 11. Age 12. The next 10 years Age 13. Age 14. Age 15. Age 16. Age 17. Age 18. You have your first real kiss that means anything. It's sort of a suprise as both of you are leaving The Edge after a teen dance. Your friend Kris stops and says to Zach "Aren't you gonna kiss her?" He shyly shrugs his shoulders as you run up and kiss him on the lips. It's one moment where you feel like you were watching from a few feet away. The rest of the night you replay it in your mind ,even after your friend Jana throws a empty water bottle out her window that sparks a mad chase through town with a car full of what just might be mexican gang members. They chase you 3 miles out of town before you lose them. Your first chase, your first real kiss, adrenline never felt so good. Then there's Senior prom. You take Zach, not just because he asked you to go to his, but because he is now you boyfriend. You have a decent time, but there's something different about this prom. Maybe it's because you and your friends have all paired off, unlike last year when it was all about dancing and acting like a fool. This year you are more content with sitting on the sidelines and watching everyone else. You watch Natalie and Justin and Kim and Lance dance and wonder how they can stand eachother. You wonder why 8th graders are allowed go to prom. You leave early because there is no afterparty. Age 19. Age 20. Age 21. Age 22. The rest. Here I am 23 years old now. No direction, but for some reason it's not bothering me as much as I thought it would. I can be anything I want if I would put my mind to it.
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Only 3 days...
		11:06am 02/11/2008
	But I'm not voiting! I am making the choice not to get involved in this one again. Four years a go I did it because I didn't know anything about one canidate (whatever happened to Kerry anyway?) and I am NOT a G-Bush fan. This time, both sides kind of scare me, and I don't know anything about the other smaller canidates. On one side you have a man who wants people to have it all without having to work as hard as some. I am a person who makes about 20,000 a year but have nothing to show for it, while some people who make half of that some how have more than I do. They make more money not working, and that really gets me ticked off. And then on the other hand you have a very old man (he's 72 for crying out loud, by the time he would be done with his first term he would be nearing 77!) and the crazy lady. This probably means you are voting for her because lets face it, he's old. Maybe if he would have picked someone who didn't call her foriegn policy experience being able to see Russia from an island that is part of the state she governs, I would be tempted to go for that side, or if the other side made it a little harder for people to get assistance they abuse such as food stamps and welfare. And as I always say, an uneducated vote is a wasted vote. I do not participate in things for the sake of doing it. I have to feel strongly or have a damn good reason to do so. I would rather sit out and figure out how to deal with the consequenses of whatever happens. At this point, to me either side is as good or as bad as the other. I have always been in the middle about things like this. Each side has it's good and bad points.
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I drink milk with ice
		11:29pm 01/11/2008
	My review of the Lifehouse concert. My one word review : Stellar. My rundown of the show: Alerus Center (Ballroom #4), Grand Forks North Dakota. October 30, 2008, 7:00 pm. Standing room only, bar in the back. Crowd: I think about 300 people, mostly the 15-25 year old age group, a few people in thier 30's and 40's. Where was I and who was I with? I was about 15 feet away from the center of the stage, only about 6 people in front of me. I was with my good friend, Kari. The show started out shortly after 7 with the opening act, Absent Star. They played a 5-6 song set. They are a up and coming band from Chicago. Their music sounds like a mix of alternative rock and pop with a taste of punk. They are a 5 piece group, lead and rhythm guitar, bass, drums and a lead singer, with one playing a keyboard in a song. Thier look is seems like a cross between rocker and the new "emo" look (eg. vests, scarves and tight pants). All in all it was a pretty good performance by a band that I could only find one song of prior to the show. I can safely say that I could find myself liking them. After their set, the stagehands prepare for the Lifehouse show. It took about half an hour. It seemed like they were having some mic problems. A little after 8 pm, Lifehouse takes the stage. Dark, you hear guitars starting to play the exteneded intro to "Make Me Over", a song I believe to be the 4th release off of their "Who We Are" album, if they have a 4th release. Then the lights focus on lead singer/guitar player Jason Wade starting to sing the song...and then all the lights come on to reveal bassist Bryce, guitarist Ben, and drummer Rick. Make Me Over Spin Am I Ever Gonna Find Out Simon Hanging By A Moment Blind Somebody Else's Song? An annoucement of a new cd next year followed by cheers from the crowd! From Where You Are Better Luck Next Time Whatever It Takes You and Me First Time Then we think they leave, but the lights don't come back on so we know its an ENCORE...to sing their current single Broken. The crowd in Grand Forks was a little reserved, but in our defence,we are not used to this! We only get a few "rock" concerts a year, and this maybe one of the few where it's general admission. I hope this did not throw the band off about how much some of us love their music, and how talented they are. On the downside, there wasn't much band to audience interaction. I think it's because there were problems in the begining and they seemed a little rushed to get the set done before time was up. It was an amazing concert non the less, full of emotion and engery. I was expecting a slow and soft kind of concert, but this one hand a lot more rock to it than you hear from them on the radio. Jason's voice is phenominal, and with the backing vocals of Bryce, it went to a whole nother level. They sound twice as good live than they do on any recording. They never took a break, and seemed to really enjoy playing for such a small crowd. And it also helps that Jason is one fine piece of eye candy, along with the rest of the boys in the band. I give this show a 10...
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For whatever reasons...
		11:22pm 15/10/2008
	I feel this compelling need to clarify my stand on religion and faith, because those who understand agree and those who do not have no idea why I think like this. I am not a fan of organized religion, I think it's just another way for people to look down on others who do not agree with them, and in some cases in todays world, it's like politics (which I also choose not to get too involved in). Faith is a different set of crayons... I have faith...I believe in God, just not like how most people choose to veiw it. I say it, because I am not so certian it is a "him" or a "her". God, by MY definition is...a glue that holds the world togather, it's what makes consequences happen, in all what makes the world go round. I don't believe in the saying "Gods will". Someone is always behind what goes on when someone says that. It's a way to place blame without pointing your finger on an object on earth. People must be held responsible for their actions. You have tools, use them, don't wait for "a higher power" to take over. This so called higher power has given you what you need, so take action when you can. If you can do it, why not do it? People may hate me for saying this, but I don't totally agree with the Bible either. I view it as more of a tool than anything really. It's been translated and misunderstood so many times and sometimes is so vauge that it can say whatever you want it to say if you twist it enough. This also goes for anything in life if you think about it. This is how people work. Nothing is simple anymore. There you have it, my view on one of the most controversial issues out there. On to other less important aspects of my life. I am going ot a Lifehouse concert in about 15 days. I know, its kind of soft music for this alt-rock girl, but it's good music all the same. I've liked them since I was a sophomore in highschool, now being 23 years old, thier songs still get to me most of the time. Good Enough- Lifehouse It seems the more we talk The less I have to say Let’s put our differences aside I wanted to make you proud But I just got in your way I found a place where I can hide Now everything is changing But I still feel the same We’re running out of time What do I have to do To try to make you see That this is who I am And its all that I can be I tried to find myself Looking inside your eyes You were all that I was meant to be There must be something else Behind all the lies That you have lead me to believe Now everyone is saying That I should find a way To leave it all behind What do I have to do To try to make you see That this is who I am And its all that I can be What do I have to do To try to make you see Trying to be like you isn’t good enough for me I wont let you go I wont let you down I wont give you up don’t you give up on me now What do I have to do To try to make you see That this is who I am And its all that I can be What do I have to do To try to make you see Trying to be like you isn’t good enough for me What do I have to do To try to make you see And this leads to my next round of my life-talk blogging session... My mom...the crazy alcoholic control freak. There really is no other way to describe her at this moment. My dad is crazy too, thinking the same things she does. She honenst to goodness believes that I am just a younger, stupider version of her, when in fact I have crafted my life to be nothing like her at all. She says I shouldn't get married until I'm 29 because I will just get divorced or want a divorce in 3 years anyways. She says Zach isn't right for me because he's too "boring". She says I am too scared to leave him because I don't know any better. Also she says she thinks he is just going to leave me and take all my stuff and leave me with nothing. She also said that she isn't going to help pay for a wedding and that she doesn't even care about it. My mom can be a real bitch sometimes. What pisses me off even more is she doesn't have the guts to say this to my face like most parents would. No, she has to say it to my aunt and Hallie. So from now on I just am not going to talk to her and the next time she wants to talk to me I'm going to basicly freak out at her. I will be 100 times better than she ever was at anything I do in my life, even a marriage. Maybe she's actually jelous of me. Who knows. Right now I don't care about what she thinks of me, or Zach, or my friends or what I am doing with my life. My job may not be the best in the city but it's given me a good starting point on any job I will have in the future.
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		06:56pm 02/10/2008
	I sense a spinning, whirling feeling going on inside my head. It's the product of too much reading, thinking and boredom without a release. I want to write a love story...with everything. With viewpoints from both sides. I don't know what is stopping me. I wish I was an open person. I want to write a story about my life, even though it may not seem that interesting to the everyday reader. I want to write about something, anything, maybe even fleas. I'm just kidding about the fleas, the only thing I know about the creatures is that they bite and infest. Well, a little bit about me. I am Natasha Cassie Schmidt. I am 23 years old. I was born in Grand Forks, North Dakota on March 14th, 1985. I grew up on a small farm near Ardoch, North Dakota. I have a younger brother, Dyson, who is 21. My parents are Robert and Bonita. They have been married for 28 years. I moved out when I was 18 to have some freedom I couldn't seem to gain living at home. I am engaged to Zach, the only guy I have ever been with. We started going out when I was a senior in high school at Minto and he was a junior at Hillsboro, which was about 64 miles south of where I lived. My best friend is Jessica, she understands me just a little better than anyone else has. She's the only person I can talk to who gets my corny jokes and knows what I mean when I say something serious. She's one of the few people from my past who I will keep in my future. I have two cousins who are like little sisters to me, Hallie who is 16 and Kelsey who is 13. They are sisters, and our moms are sisters who happen to be very close, probably best friends who won't readily admit it. No matter how old they get, I will always feel like I have to look out for them, always scared for them and wishing better for them. Sadly I feel closer to them than to my own brother, but I guess there's an unknown reason for that. No matter what, I will always be proud of them and what they overcome. My brother on the other hand prefers to have everything handed to him. He has yet to move out of my parents house, and is only technically employed for 2 weeks out of the year when he works at the beet piler in October. I on the other hand have had conisistant employment at Hugos for four and a half years in the customer service/office. It's not the most glamorous, high paying, or all around best job there is, but it pays the bills, the hours are super flexible, and best of all, I have seniority. I have often searched for other jobs, at least once a week, but for some reason, here I am. I have met many great people there, also some not so great people. It's one of those places where people come and go every few week. Most people start and quit within 6 months. There are a few who have stuck around, but mostly everyone that was there when I started is gone.
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Alive...
		11:27pm 01/10/2008
	Believe, but do not rely...this is my motto. I believe in many things, but I do not rely on those beliefs to get me through the tough times. I can only count on myself to get me through those times, but I can use those beliefs to help me understand.
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What could be, what should be, what might have been...
		02:15am 21/07/2008
	I can't do this anymore, I can't pretend to be happy all of the time. I am never happy anymore. I have way too much going on and everyone trying to pile more on top of it. Everyone thinks they know what is best for me, the people who are closest to me, who probably don't even know me at all anymore. It's a really sad life to tell the truth. It's a life I never thought I would be caught up in. It feels like there is no escape. The right thing seems like the wrong thing, and the wrong thing seems like the wrong thing. I don't even know who I am trying to fool anymore. I am disgusted with what I have become, knowing I had plans to be so much more, knowing I am throwing it away. By now I had plans to be someone, have a life for myself, without having to think about how it is going to affect anyone around me. I always wanted to be alone, because I don't want to end up hurting anyone. When other people are involved, it changes the whole dynamic of every action. I don't know how to make myself happy...I've lost that ability along with any sense of feeling I had for myself. I always give to others, and I am quickly learning that the people I gave the most to in the past few years are the ones that took the most from me without giving anything in return. They were, more or less, toxic friendships. I was used, many times by a few people, and the saddest part of it all is I still want to be their friend in the end. I should know better than that, in fact I do know better than that, I just wish things were like the way they were in junior high. So much as been taken way from me, bit by bit, and I'm left with this gapping hole on the inside that can' t be filled by anyone. I neve knew someone who could claim to be one of your best friends could turn you away and stab you in the back in one fell swoop. My closest friends now are: Jessica, Kari, Christina, Mandi, Laura, Hallie,Kelsey, Kris, Brittany, Kyle...and well that is it for people I would take time off of work for to hang out with. There is also Janelle, Alyssa, Dyson, Bo, Gavin, Tyler, Katie, Rachel, Jessie...who I suppose would attend festivities for. Then there are a bunch of people who fall right below...
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Letting of the building up steam
		01:13am 09/01/2008
	Where do I start? When did life become twice as complicated as it was only 3 short months ago? I thought I had it figured out but I really know nothing. I am not as wise as I thought I was, I am as naive as ever. I don't belong in the life I have made for myself. I am out of place in a world I created for myself. I have what every girl my age could want but I would rather throw it all away in a heartbeat. Where did I go wrong? Twenty-two years old, engaged, full-time job, good car, nice place to live, everything a person could need to live comfortably, parents to back up your school bills or whenever you would need a hand with the bills. What's the problem you ask? I don't have the answer to that because I really don't even know. Most days I just want it to all go away and start over. I am sitting her at 1 in the morning because this is on my mind way too often and it is breaking me down on the inside. I need to get it out into the open before I explode. I have always kept everything bottled up inside because I didn't want to burden other people with my problems. I always let them vent about what is bothering them and kept quite. I don't even know what emotions I am feeling anymore. I know I am feeling something on the inside, but I don't know what it is. It changes about every 10 seconds. The one thing I do know is that it's never a good feeling. It makes me feel like a bowl of jello, it starts at one point, bounces around and makes a ripple effect but it's never the same thing. It builds up and slows down. Even when it goes away the slightest thing sets it off again. I've lost one of my best friends to this thing we call growing up and growing apart. I don't like telling her what to do, but staying with her dip-shit of a future husband is probably the stupidest thing she could ever do. He is the most disrespectful man out there. Calling him a man is hard for me to do. A man wouldn't tell a woman what to do or what to wear. Whatever, learn your lesson.
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Life, all over again.
		10:49pm 15/08/2007
	I have this really close friend, you might say one of my best friends. She's a great, talented person. She has the cutest daughter ever. I've known her since I started going to school with her in the 4th grade. The problem is her boyfriend. He won't even let her hang out with me or my other best friend Jessica because we "helped her cheat on him". That is bullshit. We were just with her in Fargo when it happened. He won't even let us be in her wedding. He is being such a jackass about it. Justin is one of the few people I hate right now. Hate is a strong word, and I use it to describe how I feel about him. It takes a lot for me to hate someone. He is too controlling and very manipulative. There is a light a the end of this tunnel. Last year when Natalie cheated on Justin, it was with her ex-boyfriend, Dallas. Well a year later, about a month before she is to get married, she starts coming into contact with Dallas again, having feelings for him, and thinking about leaving Justin for him again. Does it make me a bad friend if I want her to break up with the father of her child to go for what she wants? I only want what is best for her, and Justin is not it. I have always thought this, for the past 6 and a half years. I just hope that now she is starting to realize what a mistake and waste of flesh he really is. I have only seen her about 5 or 6 times since she has moved back up here about 8 months ago. I haven't seen Addyson in about 10 months now. There is something just wrong about that. Everything about it is wrong. A person shouldn't have to live in fear or live being told who you can see and what you can do. I don't know what I can do or say to get her to see things from another point of veiw. I just wish things could be perfect for everyone. In all honesty I am scared for her life. I don't believe he has laid a hand on her yet, but the possiblity is definately there. If he was pushed over the edge I think he is capable of anything, even murder to keep things his way. I have had friends in similar relationships and they either ended up in divorce or are thinking about getting one very soon. I've always been the relationship watcher. I haven't experienced something where I was torn between two people. I shouldn't be the one giving advice but in this situation it is between life and, well ultimately death. I just don't know what to say. I wish I knew all the answers. I wish I was wiser, older, and that this problem didn't exist for my friends, or anyone for that matter.
		Post

Yeah, whatever
		10:49am 03/03/2006
	So yeah, I don't know why I'm writing in my livejournal. I haven't written in here since I opened a myspace account.
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YOU CAN'T MAKE ME GO BACK!!!
		12:06am 22/08/2005
	I start classes for my second semester of college tomorrow. YIPPEE(insert sarcasm here). I really don't want to go even if I only have 4 classes this semsester and only have 3 at the most during any given week. Well last Sunday I hung out with Zach and worked 5-12. Nothing too great happened that day. Monday I slept in and worked 2-8. Zach and I hung out afterwards and didn't do too much. Tuesday I worked 2-8 again...and Zach and I ate at Subway and rented a movie. Wednesday Zach came over for a little while then I worked 6-12. Once again, no great closing stories. Thursday I worked 2-5 (yeah what a LONGGGG shift!), came home, did laundry at Busy Bubbles. I helped Dyson do some clothes shopping. After that I went to Christina's and we watched a movie, then I took he to the train station so she could go home for the weekend and only take one car back with Bowen. Friday I didn't have to work at all GASP. I still had to go to Hugo's to get my paystub. Then I went to Northland to buy my books. I paid $364 for books for only two of my classes!!! They really know how to rape people's checkbooks! Then I picked up Hallie and Kelsey and we went to clean out Dyson's car. We took out about a load of laundry and a tall garbage full of trash. Then I went to Minto and went to Natalies for a little bit. Saturday I worked 11-9. It was the longest day of my life because I was working with people from other stores. They didn't know where anything was and one girl didn't really know what she was doing. I didn's do anything that night because I was so burnt out. Today I worked 11-8 and did the dishes, paid some bills, balanced my checkbook, and did random other things. Now I must sleep so I can go be smart or something.
		Post

Life sucks...

02:13am 17/08/2005

mood:

crappy

music: Lemmings by Blink 182

Yeah so right now I'm going through a "everything sucks because that's just how my life has always been" phases.
EVERY time that I think things are going swimmingly, everything just ends up SUCKING!
I don't create these problems, they surface right after I feel like I am content with my life.
Like school...and the loans, and the money I don't really have but have to pay them because an education costs a fucking arm and a leg at a stupid little tech school. What sucks is I'm only going for 10 teeny tiny little credits...
My mom had another seizure the other day...no one knows what causes them or what they are from...because Altru is a fucking stupid hospital that tells just about everyone that theres something uncurable wrong with them when there's not. I've heard at least 5 cases of that happening and all the other stories I've heard are not good ones either. They just suck.
Work sucks...then end. People are so stupid. I can't believe people expect us to bend over backwards for them when they have no fucking idea about what they are talking about.
OH and when you go through a checkout line...please hang up your fucking phone!!!!!!!!!!! If we have to be nice to your sorry ass, at least aknowledge our existance! Nothing can be that important unless someone is dying, and in that case you shouldn't be buying things at the grocery store.
And if you thing your getting money from our store by lying and saying you fell in the parking lot and your arm is broken and you don't even have a fucking cast on your arm...just don't. Just because you are 50 years old and all you've amounted to was a cook at Perkins doesn't mean you have to sue us...we don't even have any pot holes in the parking lot anymore anyways...dumb people...
That and now Zach has decided he's gonna GAMBLE ONLINE!! Yeah that's just great...he keeps that up and I'm outta here...

Post

What's the deal about guys and sports...?

02:51am 14/08/2005

mood:

content

music: Dirty Little Secret By The All American Rejects

So here's my life in a nutshell.
Sunday I worked 11-8, came home, did just about nothing and talked to Zach on the phone all night. Exciting, I know.
Monday I had the whole entire day off of work. I don't think I did anything productive. I might have gone somewhere or did something during the day but it wasn't too important or I would have remembered it. Zach came over that night, we went to Target and I did a little shopping for some random tidbits. Then we just hung out the rest of the night.
Tuesday I slept in, Zach came over for a little while and I worked from 6-12(I'm really begining to HATE that shift with all of my heart!). I got home and Zach picked me up and we went to Wal-Mart for a little while so he could pick up some stuff for the next day.
Wendsday Zach picked up up at 5 in the morning and we went to his parents place and got ready to go to Valley Fair. We got there around 11, rode some rides and went to the water park, which was fun, I'm a water freak, I would have stayed in there all day if I could. On the drive back Zach almost fell asleep, many times. I had to drive for awhile because he looked like he was going to pass out any moment.
Thursday, I worked 10-6, came home and caught up on my much needed sleep. I talked to Jana for a little while then went to bed early.
Friday Zach came over for a little bit and I worked 5-12. NOT an exciting day at all! After work I just stayed home and talked to Zach until about 3 in the morning.
Today, I worked 11-8 and stayed for the whole entire shift. I was proud of myself. After work I went with Christina to Target, I ran into Jessica and Ian there AGAIN!! This is like the third time I think! It's ok though...
I still don't know why guys are so drawn into sports, I guess I think to logically and if something doesn't serve a purpose, in my mind it's useless.
I didn't get enough financial aid this semsester...so I have to drop a class and take money out of my savings acounts to cover the cost of tuition and books. It sucks. I should have got it done earlier, but I have so much stuff to do it's hard to remember all these damn deadlines and applications. I just want to work, I just don't want to be stuck at Hugo's all my life like Lynda or something.
My cousin Connie is getting married next month, so I have to go to that. I would ask Zach to go with me so I have someone to hang out with, but I don't know if it would be right to take him to go to the actual wedding since I am going with my family and I have to go to the wedding not just the reception because it's all the way in Minot. If we were living together I would, but that won't be happeneing until his lease is up next June. I suppose I will just have to be bored. The sad thing is, out of all my cousins on that side of the family, she's the one closest in age to me, and she's 31... SO THAT JUST SUCKS!
Maybe I'll skip it, but then I won't be seeing many people from that side of the family at my wedding, whenever I get married. It's not like that side of the family likes me anyways.

Post

The damn hair dye....

12:49am 07/08/2005

mood:

content

music: You and Me by Lifehouse

Well, herek is what I have been up to this past week.
Sunday I slept in a very long time....probably until about 1 like I've been doing a lot lately. Then I hung out with Zach for a little bit before we both had to go to work, I worked from 5-12,and then I came home, changed, and Christina and I went to Wal-Mart to do some school supply shopping. Then I talked to Zach on the phone for awhile. Thats just about what I do every Sunday now that I close most of the time.
Monday I didn't have to go to work, so once again I slept in until about noon or 1ish. I don't see anything wrong with it when I don't have anything else to do that day. I went to pick up my cousin, Hallie, so I could do her hair. I dyed the bottom layer red and did a few red streaks on the top, it looked pretty good. She's a little on the punk side so it fit her well. She likes anything black or red, or both. We did a little shopping afterwards and then I took her home around 8. After that Zach came over and we spent the rest of the night lounging around my apartment.
Tuesday I didn't do anything too great, slept in again, Zach came over for a little while before I went to work. I worked 6-12 so it wasn't so bad. I don't remeber who I worked with...but that's ok. It's safe to say it was eithers Kari or Mandi...since we are just about the only ones who work nights back there.
Wednsday I didn't have to work again, so I slept in. I could have worked for my parents, but I wanted the day off. I cleaned up a little, then I went and got food at Subway, and went to Zach's for a little while. We watched some TV and sat around for most of the afternoon. Then I went to Applebees to have dinner with Christina, Shane, Kyle, Andrea, her boyfriend Mike, and his friend Ross. It was pretty fun, we made fun of Marty most of the time...or bitched about work. I was so ticked off that I was the only one under 21 there...watching them all drink beer or margaritas while I sipped on my diluted Diet Pepsi...but we did make a plan for my 21st birthday...and the rest of the month of March for that matter. It's going to be a grand time. After Applebees Christina and I went to Target, then watched "Constantine".
Thursday I worked for my parents in the morning. We got done really fast because it was me, my mom and dad, Ron and Scott. I guess Scott got some girl pregnant, and he was served papers WHILE working on Thursday, so he might not be working much this fall...because he might be going to jail. Now don't get me wrong, Scott's an OK guy, but he has been in jail more times than I can count, and he's only 27. After that I went home, took a nap, showered and went over to Zach's for a few hours. I went to work at 5 and trained Rachel how to close. I've worked with her since I've started there, but now we are just begining to talk and stuff. I mean, even at Shane's party that one time we didn't talk much and we sat by eachother.;..but I was also pissed that night because I had to work at 7 the next morning and couldn't drink more than one beer.
Friday I had to work from 9-6, which is brutal after a closing shift. I was running on 4-5 hours of sleep. After work I did some grocery shopping, ran into Christina and Marci at Target. I aslo did some laundry and caught up on a bunch of stuff that I've neglected all week. I don't care if I didn't go out, I got a BUNCH of stuff done.
Today, I slept in, Zach came over, we ate at McDonalds and watched some tv, he went to work, I sat around and worked 6-12...and now I have to go and do the dishes!! FUN FUN!!

Post

I am the organization master!!!
		12:06am 31/07/2005
	Ok, so instead of going to Bryan's wedding reception with my friends, I decided to lay low this Saturday night. After work I just didn't feel like getting all dressed up and going there....for some reason, don't think his now wife, Amber, likes me too much. Oh well...I guess it's because Bryan and I joke around a lot...and it's not even sexual...it's almost all work related...anywho... Everywhere I go I keep running into Jessica and Ian. It's really creepy. It's been about 4 times in the past month alone. I went to Natalies place yesterday...but Justin was there and as usual it was us going back and forth about who is more annoying or more stupid or whatever and whatnot.
		Read 1 - Post

STUPID PRINTERS!

12:36am 28/07/2005

mood:

angry

music: The Roof Is On fire...by The Bloodhound Gang

Printers are just stupid.
The one I got with my computer last year is a piece of shit. I hardly even use it! I used it last week, and now it's not printing right, and sometimes not even printing at all.
I have all this stuff I need to print off for school but the stupid printer isn't working and I won't get my money for school.
Stress is eating me alive.
Dammit...
Other than that nothing new in my life...

Post

ehh...whatever....monkeys....ducks....and kittens.....l

01:24am 24/07/2005

mood:

predatory

music: Best Of You by The Foo Fighters

My dad found a kitten yesterday when he was mowing this old ladys lawn. I went to go and see it today, it's the cutest thing ever. Its a calico, and it's only about 6 weeks old. It's name is Pepper and I want to steal it. She is the sweetest kitten I have ever seen! She was wild yesterday and today she was cuddling up in my arms and purring and just being the cutest thing on the face of the earth.
The problem is my mom is in love with that cat. Ever since Peppy died she's wanted another kitten in the house, maybe Pepper will be it.
Oh and my cat, Bootsie, came back after months of being away. When I move I am going to steal one of those cats. I like darker cats anyways. Light ones leave so much fur all over the place.
My tattoo is hurting a little bit, but I guess that is to be expected only a little after 24 hours. I've been doing everything the sheet says, theres no redness or swelling and it just hurts when I streach the skin, like when i bend over to pick something up or streatch in the morning.

Post

	snowshoekitty
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